


All My Fault

by PearlyWrites



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alphys secretly ships it, Angst, But doesn't say anything cuz come on this is a serious situation, Emotional Hurt, F/F, Just generally lots of conflict that could've been fixed, Loneliness, M/M, Major Character Injury, Paps feels like an awful person, Running Away, Sans feels worse later, Suicide Attempt, The emotion in this thing is ridiculous, Undyne doesn't know how to handle this junk, Unrequited Lust
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-20
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-08-15 00:56:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8036020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PearlyWrites/pseuds/PearlyWrites
Summary: Inspired by @sin_bin 's fic 'Intimate Distance', recommended you read that first before reading this.Papyrus can't take the deafening silence anymore. Deciding that since he no longer has his brother's love or support to help him through this unrequited attraction, he makes some drastic choices.





	1. Too Long

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sin_bin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sin_bin/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Intimate Distance](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7230070) by [sin_bin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sin_bin/pseuds/sin_bin). 



> So uh... @sin_bin wrote this fic, 'Intimate Distance', involving UT!Paps having an unrequited attraction to his bro, full of angst and junk, and... it struck a little close to home. Let's just say I know what it feels like to struggle with a sexual attraction to someone who will never love you like that. (It wasn't a sibling, if you were wondering.) The point is, I know the feeling and I needed an outlet. So here we are! With all the necessary angst and pain!
> 
> This is the first fic I've ever written where a character even THINKS about suicide, so... beware of that. o-o

Two weeks. The most painful two weeks of his life.

Had it really been two weeks?

It felt like longer.

Like an eternity.

A mind-numbing, excruciating eternity.

It all started when he finally broke. He simply couldn’t take the silence anymore - it was just as painful as the uncomfortable and disgusted looks Sans used to give him. So, he gave in to the stalemate and decided to move out. His fantasies weren’t getting any better even with the silence so the best thing to do was to put distance between themselves, right? It was such a drastic measure that he would have usually gone to Sans to ask about it and listen to his advice.

But he couldn’t do that anymore.

So, with a deep breath and hoping he was right, he found a small, secluded spot in Waterfall, just like he had imagined all that time ago when this had first started, and built a home. A simple, plain little home for one. It wasn’t much, but it would do.  
He relocated without announcement and without even speaking to Sans about it. He was both relieved and heartbroken when Sans disappeared about the same time he started packing his room. Probably gone off to Grillby’s, but what did it matter? Papyrus told himself that that was fine, he didn’t care, Sans was allowed to go whenever he pleased, it didn’t hurt, he didn’t feel like he was slowly dying without Sans-

Greater Dog was very kind and lent his impressive strength in transporting Papyrus’ possessions on a large cart, eventually leaving his room completely bare, something it had not been since the two skeletons first moved in all those years ago… His present and past self both ignored the tears that sprung up suddenly. Greater Dog’s cart was full and ready to go, just as soon as Papyrus was. Despite his better judgment, Papyrus took a minute to take in the house one last time. The dingy carpet, the bone painting, the tall sink, Sans’ pet rock - and unless it was just his imagination, it almost looked like the carpet was a bright, cleaner color in the spot where The Sock once sat.

He was so sick of crying.

Knowing in his soul that he couldn’t trust himself to talk to Sans directly (and wondering if Sans would even want to know where he went, awful as he himself was), he scribbled out a farewell note and, after a moment of thought, dropped it in the middle of his empty room, just in case Sans should look for him. Just in case Sans didn’t hate him. In case Sans still loved him-

Dang it, he was getting his hopes up again.

Papyrus hurried down the stairs ( _for the last time,_ he thought miserably) and out the door, where Greater Dog was waiting. He attempted to compose himself so as to play this whole situation off as something normal or temporary. Greater Dog still gave an inquisitive growl when Papyrus indifferently closed the door behind him and he answered with a casually forced smile, saying simply, “WE JUST NEED SOME TIME APART.” He didn’t bother to add the _forever_.

Greater Dog didn’t look convinced (more like adorably sad) but he didn’t push. Since the massive armored dog wasn’t much of a conversationalist to begin with, the entire trip into and through Waterfall was in silence. Papyrus didn’t look back once.

 

 

That was two weeks ago. Papyrus continued his training with Undyne, though didn’t go back to Snowdin at all. He liked to think that he had resettled quite nicely - his new home for one didn’t have quite as nice of a kitchen as he would have hoped, but he could easily make do. In Waterfall, the ceiling star-stones were much brighter in than Snowdin, either because of the brighter light or the low ceiling, giving quite the conflicting impression of suffocating openness. He found peace in evening walks through the echo flowers, staring at the ceiling and listening to the water around him. To him, Waterfall was the perfect place for anyone who wanted to live alone.

Not a single day, a single hour, passed when he wasn’t thinking of Sans.

Almost every night, his shameful fantasies got the better of him as he could find nothing else to do, alone in his little home. You can only clean windows so many times before the rag starts leaving wispy tracks instead of cleaning. Every night, he fell asleep to the thought of his brother staring at him, disgusted and sad, as he shuddered down from his high. Every day, he would stare at the beauty of Waterfall, not quite seeing it as he wondered what Sans was doing right now, without him in his life to bother him. He was most assuredly doing fine. Sans was an independent monster, he could care for himself. He had proven that. He certainly didn’t need Papyrus’ problems to interfere with what little balance he had.

When Papyrus first moved, he immediately had his doubts and regrets, especially about his position as sentry. Who would recalibrate the puzzles? If a human came through, who would thoroughly jape them and treat them with care until Undyne came? How would he ever become popular if he wasn’t there to capture the human? He couldn’t do any of those things in Waterfall. Soon enough, however, the questions faded away as one in particular crushed them all:

What was the point in being popular if _Sans_ didn’t love him?

So he stayed in Waterfall, only ever meeting with Undyne and the New Home shopkeepers to purchase the bare necessities. He found that he didn’t really feel hungry anymore, ever, but he forced himself to eat regardless. Didn’t want physical sickness on top of the mental sickness, especially since he now had no one to care for him.

That was how he tended to spend his days: wake up, eat, go to Undyne’s, come back, wander, eat, sleep, repeat. The cycle was only broken by the occasional laundry load or shopping trip. He’d had to acquire new clothes as he got rid of practically everything that reminded him of Sans, including his beloved battle body. (He couldn’t bear to throw it out, though, so he opted to tuck it into the back of the closet, where he couldn’t see it, where he couldn’t remember modelling it as Sans put his hands all over him, grabbing and pressing and -)

Once or twice, he accidentally wandered too far to Snowdin, coming up on the telescope he knew Sans owned. His soul lurched at the thought of seeing Sans now, after what he’d done, but Sans was never there.

For two weeks.

 

 

Undyne eventually asked questions, of course. She noticed a decrease in enthusiasm on his part during their training and wondered if anything was wrong. As he did with Greater Dog, he smiled fakely and said he had a little fight with Sans, that it would be okay over time but that they just needed some space for now. He seemed to be getting better at lying (though he was finding it harder and harder to speak in all caps), or perhaps Undyne just trusted him too much, since she almost immediately relaxed and teasingly threatened to noogie Sans if he pulled anything stupid. She didn’t seem to notice how pained his smile was at the mention of his brother.

Of course she was outraged when he showed up one day, lacking his iconic battle body, but the time away from his temptation had numbed the pain enough for him to smoothly make up a lie about how it got damaged in a malfunctioning puzzle and had to put it aside for repairs. She didn’t seem quite as quick to believe him that time, but she let the subject drop, and that was all that mattered.

Stars, the lies were going to eat him alive from the inside.

But to tell Undyne about his ‘problem’, to have her find out how disgusting and shameful he was…

No, no, the lies were better. For now.

Once or twice, he wandered down to the dump, upon Undyne’s suggestion from a friend, and stumbled across a large, remarkably preserved paint set that resembled the colors of the Waterfall area. Struck by inspiration, he gathered them up and scurried off to New Home to purchase a canvas and paintbrush. Online research had confirmed that ways to overcome painful feelings or addictions included different kinds of therapy, such as art, and he was willing to try pretty much anything at this point. Anything to get his mind off of his awful thoughts.

It took several days of painting, but eventually he got to the point where he could lose himself in the process of setting up the easel, staring at the glowing view before him, and painting his thoughts away. He was pleased to find that not only would several hours pass from start to finish, but he felt more… grounded. Transforming what he saw in real life, in front of him, onto something else in real life, gave him an anchor. He felt less like he was drowning in a torrent of bad ideas, regrets, and horrible behaviors, and more like he could hold on a little longer. Sure, he wasn’t very good at painting, but practice makes perfect, right?

 

 

Yet, of course, all good things come to an end.

One fateful night, one night when he was maybe actually feeling something similar to _truly happy,_ when he had hope that maybe he was starting to move on and fix himself, he decided to pay Undyne a surprise visit. With a bag of canvases under his arm to show off his new hobby to his mentor, he walked with a little more skip in his step, feeling just a little better. Little less - filthy, unacceptable, repulsive - like a total outcast.

But to take a direct route through the front door was for their normal routine! He should mix things up by… jumping through the window! Perfect! Crouching down and sneaking just like Undyne taught him, Papyrus slid over to the window and peered over, shaking with excitement. Man, Undyne was gonna be so surprised-!

Then movement caught his eye. Undyne wasn’t alone in her house.

Curious, Papyrus pulled himself closer and squinted, trying to get a better look. It was… Alphys. Or at least, he assumed it was Alphys, because even though they had never met, he hadn’t heard of any other hunched over, yellow dinosaurs wearing lab coats. She seemed just as nervous as rumors told, wringing her hands and glancing around with an anxious smile, despite Undyne seeming completely and happily invested in her. Something twinged in Papyrus’ soul and instinct told him that he should maybe leave, right now, but something else kept him rooted there, clutching his paintings subconsciously.

Undyne was clearly laughing, despite a lack of audio on Papyrus’ part, and her teeth were bared in a fearsome grin of delight. She said something to Alphys, who flinched and then chuckled with her. Undyne’s grin morphed into something more sultry and she gave a suggestive look to Alphys, who blushed so bright that Papyrus could see it, stammering something out as she waved her hands in distress. The captain laughed again, causing Alphys to relax before Undyne tilted her head slightly and tapped her cheek with an expectant grin. Alphys covered her face in embarrassment, hesitating when Undyne appeared to casually tease her and shrugged nonchalantly, as if she didn’t believe Alphys was up to the challenge. Alphys puffed out her cheeks in a rather cartoonish way and, completely catching Undyne off-guard, grabbed the fish’ cheeks and slammed their lips together.

The paintings clattered against the ground when they slipped out of Papyrus’ fingers.

Tremors shook his figure as he no longer saw what was in front of him, but instead saw his horrible fantasies - scale on scale was replaced with bone on bone, lips were replaced with teeth, and one figure was suddenly much taller than the other. They broke apart, sharing a smile deeper than brotherly love, with arms encircled around one another as one straddling the lap of -

Papyrus slapped a hand over his mouth in hopes of preventing a scream from being heard, standing up and bolting as soon as his body would cooperate. Completely forgetting about Undyne and his paintings, he ran blindly through WAterfall, to somewhere, anywhere, to get away from what he had just seen. The images, both real and imagined, were burned into his head, blurring his vision as he stumbled over stones and ponds and flowers -

No, wait, those were tears.

Had he been in a better state of mind, he might have stopped to calm himself with some of his self-taught breathing exercises, but given how upset he was, he couldn’t stop, he couldn’t get far enough away, the image was chasing him, and it wasn’t fair, he tried so hard and _he couldn’t have that, it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair - !_

Papyrus tripped over some unseen rock and tumbled into a shallow stream, surrounded by glowing echo flowers. Pain shot through his joints as his bones scraped against rock but it was barely noticed through his surging emotions and his overflowing tears, spilling over and disappearing into the stream. His choked sobs were mercilessly thrown back at him by the slender blue flowers, as well as what he had been unconsciously repeating out loud:

_“It’s not fair, it’s not fair…”_

_“Not fair…!”_

_“Not fair…”_

_“I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”_

He couldn’t take it anymore! There was no hope for him, was there?! It just never ended, never stopped, never got better, it always came back no matter how hard he tried, and _he just couldn’t take it anymore._

Before he could really understand what was going on, he had already stood up and began stumbling through the marshlands to the Special Cave - a tiny hole in the rock behind the largest waterfall in the area that he had found a while ago. Weeks ago, when even being alone in his new house was too much, he would go to the Special Cave and just sit on the damp floor, letting the roaring sound of water drown out his thoughts and sit in peaceful nothing. There was a dusty pink tutu lying on the opposite side of where he liked to sit, having been there long before he ever found the Cave. The Cave was the tutu’s, too, he decided, it deserved to be there as much as he did. So there it remained.

Stepping over the chunks of ice floating downstream was usually no problem for his long legs, but with his legs as unsteady as they were, he tripped and wobbled over more than was necessary. It was very irritating, but he was too upset to care - all that mattered was making it into the Special Cave, and the comfort it might offer.

He collapsed almost as soon as he entered the Cave, a sob of relief escaping him once he hit the stony floor. The cool rock sapped the energy and frustration from him in mere moments and he relaxed, so happy to finally be away. After a minute of pondering, he crawled further into the tiny cave, completely ignoring his soaked clothes, and pulled himself up into his usual sitting position, hugging his knees to his chest while facing the dusty tutu. Here, the tears flowed heavily, just like the water surging around him outside, as he was unable to choke back the despair any longer. That horrible, crippling, consuming loneliness had returned, and he had nowhere to go, no one to help. The Underground just wasn’t that big.

What was he to do?

Eventually, his attention was drawn to the ever-present tutu in the Cave with him, laying as dull and desolate as it always did. Once his thoughts had wandered enough for him to calm down, he gazed upon the tutu and wondered. He had always wondered where it came from, who it belonged to, and what they were like. Now, he voiced his thoughts, in his weary and quiet voice.

“I’m very sorry for bothering you again, little tutu, with my crying. I just need somewhere to calm down. Then again, you might not mind the company since you’ve been alone for so long. How long have you been here?”

The tutu didn’t answer.

“Of course, that’s none of my business. I don’t mean to intrude. I just… feel lonely. So very, very lonely and trapped. Even my own family doesn’t love me… Did your family love you? You must have had one, at one point or another. Did you love them?”

The tutu didn’t answer.

“I hope you didn’t love them like I love my family. The way I feel about my brother is not acceptable. It’s disgusting, and, and horrible. I’m sure he hates me, since he never came looking for me. I ran away from him. Did you run away? Is that why you’re here, in this little cave, instead of buried with your other possessions?”

The tutu didn’t answer.

“I see how dusty you are and it makes me somewhat sad to know that such a young monster died here, lonely and lost… Heheh, I feel like that same fate rests upon me. I will die here, lonely and lost, wondering if it ever could have been better and knowing it wouldn’t have been. I just… it all becomes too much sometimes, you know?”

The tutu didn’t answer.

“I’m sure you do, since I’m here, dealing with the pain of living, and you’re there, all dusty and gone and unfeeling… was it nice? To stop feeling? Is that… the only way to end my pain?”

The tutu didn’t answer.

Though suddenly, nothing else mattered. There was… a way to end his suffering. Just like that. It would all be gone. And… he wouldn’t be a burden to anyone anymore, especially himself. He would disappear, literally nothing more than dust in the wind and he would finally, finally be at peace.

… Was it really that easy?

“Excuse me for a moment,” he told the tutu, standing up and leaving the Special Cave enough to peer down the waterfall’s edge. He doubted he could ever attack himself with his own magic, and asking someone else to do it was out of the question, but… what if he were to fall?...

The darkness was… so inviting… the peace and nothingness it promised… Papyrus’ soul fluttered in excitement. It would be so easy… to just step forward and give in, to fade away…

What a pleasantly quiet and insignificant way to go.

All his life suddenly rose to his forethoughts, every adventure he’d ever had in the Underground that used to make life worth living: the magical weather, the friendly neighbors, the Gyftmas traditions, the beautiful ceiling star lights, his brother’s smile…

And the pain came back anew.

He’d lived a good life, he thought. Met many good monsters, learned from many mistakes, and felt much joy. It was surprisingly easy to accept his death. And maybe… just maybe… there would be an afterlife, where he would have made peace with his feelings for Sans, and someday his brother would join him, and… and they could be happy together, like they used to be.

One final tear slid down his cheekbone and dripped into the endless darkness. It was not in anguish or despair, however. It was in hope.

One final smile graced his mouth as he leaned forward, ready to join the darkness. He was probably imagining things in his delirium, but he thought he heard Sans calling out to him, thought he saw him running towards him from Snowdin.

One final deep breath filled his chest as he stepped over into nothing, watching the world tip sideways as he fell. He closed his eyes. There was an explosion of pain in his head for less than a second, and then -

 

 

 

Nothing.


	2. Forced Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *busts down door* Guess what suckers I'm still alive time to break your hearts some more
> 
> This one has a little less messed-up psychology and a little more direct sibling angst. Big thanks to all the positive reviews I received on the first chapter! It really made me happy to know that even though this is my first AO3 story, people still liked it, almost as soon as I posted it! Enjoy this next chapter!

How could he let this happen? Why did he have to be such a  _failure_ _?!_ It was so painfully obvious from the very beginning that Papyrus needed help, and he should have  _been there for him,_ but no. He had to selfish and avoid Papyrus, sink back into his depression and turn a blind eye to the world. And by the time he came to his senses, he was almost too late...

Sans was furious at himself for letting this whole thing get so out of hand. Sure, emotions sucked and he sucked even more at dealing with them, but he should have at least  _tried._  Papyrus was his  _brother_ , for Asgore's sake. Sans owed him emotional support at the very least, uncomfortable situations be darned. These kinds of things were meant to be worked out together. They couldn't be worked out if the other person was  _dead!_

 

It took him two blasted months to notice Papyrus was gone.

He forgot how his depression just made everything blur together, how it made time lose all meaning. With nothing to look forward to in the day, what was the point of tracking days? He simply avoided home as much as possible, hoping that this thing Papyrus was going through was just a phase (stars, he was such an awful brother...)

Then one day, Undyne called.

Sans was sulking face down on his mattress, letting his head fill with damp and depressing numbness, when his phone vibrating startled him back to reality. With a groan, he rolled onto his side to grab his phone and grumbled, "hello?"

"Yo, Sans, is your bro there?"

He winced at Undyne's loud and demanding voice. He'd gotten so used to the quiet... "i dunno. why?"

"He left his paintings outside my window. He must've run off before I could catch him."

At this, Sans sat up slowly. "paintings?"

"Well, I assume they're his, since his name is on the bottom right corner of them all. His handwriting's thin and scratchy, right?"

"yeah..." Sans said slowly. "i didn't know he painted." Where would he even get the paint?...

"Yeah? Huh, he mentioned you two had a fight or something, but I thought you'd at least know about this..."

So Papyrus was lying to Undyne? Sans didn't think his brother had it in him. But whatever, it wasn't his business. He should at least see if Papyrus was home, if only to get Undyne to leave him alone. With a huff, he rolled out of bed and grumbled, "i'll see if he's home. he probably isn't, but i'll check."

"Uh, okay."

Sans trudged out of bed, out into the hall, and up to his brother's door, which was closed like always. Pressing the phone to his chest to make it harder for Undyne to hear, he hesitantly knocked for the first time in who-knew-how-long. When he was met with silence (as he expected), Sans called out, "paps, if you're in there, i'm coming in."

No response.

With a twisting feeling in his metaphorical gut, he turned the doorknob and pushed in, somewhat surprised to find the room dark. After fumbling around for the light switch, he found it, flipped it on, and dropped his phone in shock. "what the-"

"Sans? What's going on?!" Undyne shouted from her end of the receiver.

Shakily picking his phone back up, he responded, "it's - his room's empty!"

"You mean he's not there?" Undyne sounded confused, probably wondering why that was such a big deal.

"no, his - his whole  _room_ is just  _empty!_ all the furniture's gone!" Sans stared in horror at the blank walls and carpet. Papyrus' room had always been bigger than Sans', but without furniture, it was  _huge._ Huge and devoid of life.

Empty except for a single sheet of paper in the middle of the floor.

Moving faster than he thought himself capable of, Sans darted to the paper and swiped it up, scanning over it quickly.

 

SANS,

IF YOU HAVE FOUND THIS NOTE, THAT MEANS YOU ACTUALLY CARED ENOUGH ABOUT ME TO LOOK, AND FOR THAT, I AM GRATEFUL. BUT PLEASE, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT YOU STILL CARE ABOUT ME, DO NOT COME LOOKING FOR ME. I AM SURE WE CAN BOTH AGREE THAT THE BEST THING FOR US RIGHT NOW IS FOR ME TO LEAVE. REMEMBER TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND PLEASE KNOW THAT I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.

SINCERELY,

PAPYRUS

 

Sans read, reread, and reread again the letter, even after his vision blurred and his hands shook to the point of being unable to read. It was only Undyne yelling at him (again) that brought him back to the present.

"Sans! What's going on?! Hello?!" Undyne, through her rage, sounded frantic.

He fumbled with his phone briefly before he was able to hold it up to speak into it. "i just found a... a note. dunno how long it's been here or, or why, but..." Horrible realization settled in. What if it was a...?

"Well, what does it say?" Undyne demanded. The background noise through her end shifted slightly, from normal echo-y noise to echo-y, watery noise. She must be wandering through Waterfall as they spoke, Sans thought absently as he read the note aloud. He fought to keep his voice steady as his head spun with all kinds of panicky thoughts, each one worse than the last. Once he finished, Undyne seemed stunned into silence. Finally, she cried, "What the heck did you two fight about?! The Pap I know would NEVER pull this crap!"

"fight? we didn't... have a fight..." he mumbled, paying more attention to the fine layer of dust on the paper. It was normal dust, not monster dust, thank heavens, but that meant... "this paper's been here for weeks. undyne, when was the last time you saw him?"

"Uh, yesterday." Sans couldn't hold in a sigh of relief. So it wasn't a suicide note... "but then, where is he?"

"That's what YOU'RE supposed to know, ya nerd, you're his brother!" Although Undyne spoke with a touch of playfulness, the words stung. She was right, Papyrus was  _his_ brother, and therefore  _his_ responsibility. The sinking feeling of failure snuck up on him but he managed to shake it off with the hope that he wasn't too late. They just had to find Papyrus.

"yeah, i know, but we kinda had a... falling out. i haven't... seen him in a while..."

"Good heavens, Sans... get off your lazy bony butt and -" Undyne stopped suddenly, listening to someone shouting. It sounded like Alphys. "What? Whaddaya mean..." She was quiet for a moment. "...Oh my stars..."

Panic gripped Sans. "what? what's wrong? undyne, talk to me!" he pleaded.

"Sans, listen!" Undyne moved the phone next to something making sound. It spoke with the unmistakable warble of an echo flower, but what it was saying...

_"It's not fair! It's not fair..."_

It was Papyrus' voice.

_"I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."_

Sans was out the front door in an instant. "undyne, we gotta find him. now. can you follow the echo?"

"We're trying, but it just ends at this stream! Dang it, I should've known something was wrong..."

No, Sans should have. Gods, he was so selfish. "there's no time for that, we gotta find him. something's wrong, i just..."

"I know. These echos are recent, get over here and help us look. He can't have gone far."

"i'm already leaving snowdin, be there in a minute." With that, he hung up and picked up the pace. He hated running like this, but his mind was definitely too frazzled to use a shortcut safely, so he didn't have much of a choice. And, curse his overly active mind, without Undyne's voice to distract him, all his worries and grievances came flooding back.

How long had Papyrus been gone? Obviously, their lack of communication had ultimately driven him to leaving, but where did he go? When did he go? How had he managed to keep up the ruse to Undyne that everything was okay? Did anyone else know about this? If so, did they know where he was right now? What had Undyne been talking about with paintings? When had Papyrus started painting? How was that relevant to ANYTHING that was currently going on? Most importantly,  _where in the Underground was Papyrus?_

Sans was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't notice Gerson until he'd practically barreled into him. "Whoa, easy there, sonny!" Gerson chuckled as he helped steady Sans. "Where's the fire?"

Not bothering to calm his breathing, Sans blurted out, "have you seen papyrus?"

Gerson looked a little surprised, but rubbed his chin thoughtfully nonetheless. "Ah, he's the tall 'n lanky one, right? Always hangin' out with Undyne?" Upon Sans' furious nod, Gerson continued, "Nah, I ain't seen 'im lately." Sans' soul sank until Gerson unexpectedly added, "Although, when I passed by the icy waterfall, I coulda sworn I heard someone talkin' nearby. Ain't there a cave behind it?"

It didn't take Sans long to put two and two together, and once he did, he bolted towards said waterfall without another thought. He threw a careless "thanks!" over his shoulder at Gerson, and then he was gone. He could fix this. He could still fix this.

He followed the icy stream out of Snowdin and couldn't be more relieved when it transitioned to the blue-gray lands of Waterfall. In his mind, he couldn't move fast enough, he wouldn't get there in time, stars he was so worried,  _why was he such a failure -_

There! Finally! The icy waterfall Gerson mentioned. He could start his search there, and he'd find his brother, and they could work this mess out, and it would be okay, and -

Someone was standing on the edge of the waterfall. A strange light shone in their eyes as they stared down in the abyss, leaning forward slightly.

It was...

He was going to...

No.

NO.

_NO NO NO NO NO -_

"paps? papyrus? c'mon, let's talk about this, okay?" Sans pleaded, running faster as fear clutched him. "paps, i'm sorry, don't do this,  _bro i can't lose you -_ " His voice began rising in desperation.

Papyrus slowly turned his gaze towards Sans, a weak semi-smile on his face. Sans was horrified at the sheer  _emptiness_ in his brother's expression, how he was looking at Sans but didn't quite seem to see him. Such a hopeless look did  _not belong on his brother's face._

"papyrus, listen to me, please. we can work this out, just... step away from the edge," Sans tried to reason, slowing as he reached the edge of the bridge that spanned the waterfall. " _please,_ papyrus. look at me. please?"

But Papyrus only looked through him, stuck in whatever hazy fantasy world he had trapped himself in. Something tiny dripped off Papyrus' jaw - a tear? - and disappeared into the depths.

Sans held his arms out in what he hoped was a welcoming gesture as he tried for a smile, fighting to keep in the tears. "bro, c'mere. it's - it's gonna be okay, but only if you  _don't jump_." Papyrus just stared at him, half smiling and half crying. "bro? paps, you there? talk to me, please?" Stars, the silence was going to kill him.

Finally,  _finally,_ Papyrus smiled a little wider and leaned forwards, towards his brother, towards someone who finally cared. For half a split second, Sans was overjoyed, relieved,  _happy_ to finally get his brother back, arms outstretched eagerly. It took him the other half of that split second to remember that Papyrus was leaning over nothing.

Papyrus dropped like a dead weight out of sight.

Sans' vision blacked out for a moment as sheer  _panic_ consumed him. He blindly flailed out his blue magic and caught Papyrus as he fell. Sans would have been relieved had he not heard the sickening  _crack!_ of bone on rock seconds before his magic took hold. As he desperately pulled his brother back up, Sans reminded himself he could only be glad that Papyrus was still alive.

Papyrus had been knocked unconscious by whatever he had hit his head on and there was a lovely new crack down the side of his skull, one that made Sans want to puke once he'd gotten a good look. He wasn't wearing his battle body for whatever reason, Sans absently noticed (while pretending he didn't feel the hurt pang through his soul), but other than the fresh scar in his head, Papyrus looked okay. A quick check revealed that Papyrus' HP was lingering in the single digits and would decrease quickly if not healed. He needed help, fast. But they were both in Waterfall, quite a ways away from anyone who could help. Gerson seemed to have disappeared and Undyne's house was WAY too far away.

Undyne herself, though...

Fishing his cell phone out of his pocket with shaking fingers, it took him three tries with lots of cursing to finally dial the fish's number. Sans almost cried in relief when he heard her voice pick up.

"Sans? Why'd ya call, didja find Paps or somethin'?"

"i uh, yeah, i did -"

"Oh my gods, Sans, that's great!" Undyne practically screamed. "Where is he, is he okay? I -"

Tears welled up and threatened to spill again as he interrupted her, "you gotta get here. now." At Undyne's confused sounds, he said, "you gotta help me carry him home, i - i can't do this -" The floodgates burst as it all came crashing down on him, sobbing as he gripped his dying brother.

"Sans, what happened?!  _Where are you?!_ "

"the - icy waterfall, by... by snowdin, you... please come quickly," he whispered, dropping the phone and cradling Papyrus' skull as he quietly cried.  He couldn't bring himself to pick his phone back up even as Undyne shouted in distress. Eventually, she said something that sounded like a promise to be there soon and hung up. Sans didn't pay her much mind, he could only focus on Papyrus' relaxed expression and how awful it looked on him.

It was awful because the Papyrus he had known for years was always so  _expressive_ \- in the way he laughed, the way he concentrated, the way he reacted to Sans' puns, the way he over-dramatically cried... Even on that rare occasion when Papyrus actually slept and Sans got a peek at him, he looked  _content_. Like he was happy, even in sleep. But this calmness, this  _relief_ on his present-day face, as if the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders...

Sans  _hated_ it.

That expression looked bad enough on himself. His innocent, passionate, and  _confident_ brother should  _never_ have had it. Or any reason to have it. At all. Ever.

... And it was all his fault that Papyrus wore it.

Sans shuddered violently with suppressed sobs as oh-so-familiar self-loathing ate up his soul and he cradled Papyrus' skull, rocking back and forth gently. Papyrus himself hadn't moved an inch since Sans had caught him, and, in a grim sort of way, Sans could only be thankful that monsters dusted upon death, otherwise he would have thought his brother to be dead. But he wasn't, Sans tried to comfort himself. They still had a chance.

_But by the stars, don't screw this one up._

Waterfall had never before seemed so dim.

 

 

They ended up relocating back to the brothers' house, since it was closest.

Undyne and Alphys, upon finding Sans and meeting up with him, had been... horrified once they found out the truth, to say the least. Never in a million years would they have thought wonderful, cheerful,  _confident_ Papyrus to have done something so drastic...

Not much was said during their movement back towards a safer place for Papyrus to rest in.

Papyrus himself was laying in his race car bed, tucked in and looking peaceful. Assuming one ignored the new ugly scar down his skull, he almost appeared to be sleeping. Sleeping through the pain.

No matter how much Undyne and Alphys insisted that Papyrus needed to rest alone, Sans couldn't bring himself to leave his brother's side. None of the three conscious monsters were particularly good at healing magic, so they were forced to use non-magical medicines until his HP stabilized and he woke up, so he could eat. Sans' hands shook while he wrapped gauze around Papyrus' skull, so he opted to not do anything else lest he make it worse, and simply held Papyrus' hand while Undyne and Alphys worked.

Needless to say, it was a very tense few minutes.

Sans could tell that Alphys and Undyne wanted to ask him about what was going on, based on their nervous and cautious expressions and furtive glances towards him. But he didn't say a word nor did a make a move to assure them. He didn't want to talk. He wasn't sure he wanted to talk even after Papyrus woke up. He just didn't know where to go from here.

He tried not to flinch when Undyne roughly pulled a chair up in front of him and sat down heavily. Her face was drawn and grim and her ear fins drooped, likely from stress. She wouldn't look at him for a minute, choosing to clasp her hands and stare at the ground instead. Sans began to hope that she was only there to sit with Papyrus, too, instead of confront him, but no such luck. He almost flinched _again_ (was he really that tense?) when the captain cleared her throat and fidgeted on her seat.

"So," she stated, louder than felt necessary.

Sans didn't say anything. It took everything in him to look anywhere but at Undyne.

Undyne, never the patient one, let out an exasperated sigh and dropped her head, running her hand through her crimson hair. "Sans, how long are we gonna do this?" she asked tiredly. "I'm Papyrus' friend, I WANT to help." She spread her hands wide, piercing him with those yellow eyes. "I can't help if I don't know what's wrong."

Sans subconsciously gripped Papyrus' hand tighter, a whimper threatening to escape his clenched jaws. 

"I mean, I can't even begin to imagine what happened to drive you two so far apart! From what Paps told me, you two were practically best buds!" she cried, putting her head in one hand, her expression one of complete bewilderment. "I really, really want to help, but I don't even know how it started! C'mon, Sans, if you'll just -" She stopped abruptly and Sans didn't realize it was because he was crying until he felt the tears drop into his lap. "Aw, jeez, Sans, I'm sorry, I didn't realize -" She started, only to be cut off by Sans' hoarse whisper.

"no, it's... it's my fault, he... wouldn't've left if i had... if i wasn't..." His non-existent throat choked up and he rubbed the heel of his palm to his eyesocket furiously. "it's... personal. what happened, i mean. i don't... wanna talk about it unless he does, y'know?..." Undyne nodded, looking somber but understanding. Sans took a deep, shaky breath. "i just... he needed help, and i... i wasn't there for him. it's... it's all my fault..." he whispered, tears spilling over again as he rocked back and forth in his seat. "gods, it's all my fault..."

Undyne looked incredibly uncomfortable, like she wanted to comfort him but hadn't the foggiest idea how. Sans allowed himself a moment of weakness to cry his frustration out before taking many deep, calming breaths. "i just want him to be okay," he mumbled, sniffling.

"We all do," Undyne responded in possibly the softest tone he had ever heard her take.

Sans was about to respond when all his thoughts came to a screeching halt at the realization of a tiny feeling.

Papyrus was squeezing his hand back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaand with that comes the new reader feedback! I got stuck on this darn chapter for so long because I eventually realized I couldn't decide how to end the story! D: So here's the choice right now: does Papyrus go back to living separately from his brother? Do Sans and Papyrus attempt to salvage their relationship and live together again? If so, does Sans make more of an effort to understand Papyrus' problem and help him? Does he succumb to Papyrus' wants? Or does it just dissolve back into a pool of sadness? >:3 Let me know what you think in the comments! Or, alternatively, if you have your own idea, drop it down below too! I'd love to hear your thoughts!
> 
> (P.S. the sooner you guys vote, the sooner the next chapter comes out, probably XP )

**Author's Note:**

> Don't worry, we're not done yet. :3
> 
> ... My gosh, I hope this was okay. I've never used AO3 before. XP


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